Most young men do not learn about sex in a classroom, from friends, or from reading blogs. You likely learned most of what you know about sex from porn. Though it can be fun to watch, learning sex from porn is definitely not ideal and it creates expectations that actually sex can never fulfill.
If you go into sexual encounters thinking it’s going to all work out, and it’s going to be amazing, you are likely to be disappointed. Women enjoy sex, but it is estimated that 35–40% of women experience problems at some point in their sexual response cycle. One reason for this is that sex involves a great deal of communication, and it is not as straightforward for women as it is for men.
Furthermore, every woman is different, and though some communication can occur through words, much of sex has its own language, and if you learn to listen to the different methods of sexual communication, you will likely start having much better sex.
Below, we explore ways your partner communicates during sex, and how to pay attention, read her, and bring her to higher states of pleasure.
Breath is an incredibly powerful, and often overlooked tool that we all have. Research has even shown that conscious breathing can be an effective way to manage anxiety and depression. Breath carries the same power sexually, and paying close attention to it can bring this power into the bedroom.
ALSO READ: Everything You Need To Know About Female Arousal
Especially for women, foreplay is an opportunity to relax into sex, becoming more open and comfortable. During foreplay, pay attention to the way her breath responds to your actions. If her breathing slows down and becomes deeper, keep doing what you are doing for a while. Allow her to relax into this before things start to escalate.
If during foreplay, her breath becomes short or piercing, this does not indicate excitement as it does in the later stages of sex. Instead, it is likely that the way you are touching her body is causing her discomfort, is too stimulating or is even painful. If this is the case, back off and touch more lightly.
As excitement builds, her breath may quicken, which is great. Just remember that you are still trying to find the balance between too much stimulation and too little. This sweet spot is hard to describe in words, but her breath will be a dead giveaway, somewhere between relaxation and tension. If you find that she is moving too far in one direction, don’t be abrupt in stopping or speeding up. Rather, approach the sweet spot like a wave, whose peaks and valleys occur gradually and organically.
Sex is a way for us to communicate with ourselves, each other, and the divine. It can help us to release energy that has become stuck or stagnant and to rekindle our sense of connection.
There are different types of moans, and each woman is different. In general, though, quick and sharp moans indicate more pleasure within the body, while longer and deeper moans indicate more of a spiritual experience. Both are important, and in a way, the best sex is a bridge between the physical and spiritual realms. Listening to this language can help you guide the sex in different directions.
Shakira was right when she said, “Hips don’t lie.” If you want to know where your partner is at with her arousal level, listen to her hips. If you are using your hands or mouth, her hips will often lift up and down the more aroused she is.
If you are having penetrative sex, the movement of her hips will indicate how fast or slow she wants to go. If your lover’s hips withdraw or clench up, it is a good sign that something doesn't feel right, and that you need to back off a little.
Allowing touch and penetration of her vagina is a vulnerable thing for a woman to do, and however much she wants to allow it, her hips will react with hesitation until she feels safe. Pay attention to her hips, and you can help her reach a state where she is open and confident in expressing herself sexually toward you.
Tension and Relaxation
Much like sex is a dance between the physical and spiritual realms, it is also about the interplay of tension and relaxation. Tension and relaxation are intuitive things, but can often be read by physical indicators such as the ones listed above. Relationships in general can also be about this balance, and they help us understand all of the subtle ways we can cultivate these feelings within our partners.
Most people understand sex as moving solely from relaxation to tension, culminating in the moment of release at orgasm. Sex can be more interesting than this, however, and we can change the dynamics with our actions, holding our partners at varying states of tension and relaxation, and allowing them to feel fully into each one. Especially if you have been with a partner for a long time, experimenting with these states can be a way to achieve new levels of intimacy and connection. One of the most exciting aspects of this interplay is learning how to hold someone on the edge of orgasm.
Orgasm may seem like the most exciting part of sex, but to many people who cultivate a more conscious approach to sex, orgasm can be a letdown, because it is a release of all of the positive energy build-up from sex. Some people practice “edging”, or holding themselves or their lovers on the edge of orgasm. If you can recognize your partner’s edge, and learn how to hold her there, she will find a new level of sexual satisfaction.
An orgasm is like a switch that flips between tension and relaxation, with a big buildup, followed by a surge of relaxation. A greater buildup often creates a greater surge, but the buildup itself can be the goal as well. Holding your partner on the edge allows you to fill her with more and more sexual energy until she feels her entire body pulsing with life. If you want your partner to experience this, figure out the signals that indicate when she is close to orgasm, and back off slightly from what you are doing.
When she has found a bit of relaxation, gradually speeds up or move with more intensity, watche for the signs and slow down again when she gets close. Continue until orgasm, or leave your partner bubbling with sexual energy. Some women are even able to reach a “plateau” state, where their continued arousal can keep them at this heightened state for extended periods of time. Depending on a woman’s preferences, both orgasm and plateau can be very satisfying.